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CAVEAT: High-energy particles
are emerging from this screen at the speed of light.
It is highly probable that some of them may collide with subatomic particles in your Deoxyribonucleic Acid
chains, altering their physical properties and behavior, (energy levels, charge,
spin, etc.), and thus infusing you with the Kongaloid Essence forever. (This may
already have taken place.) Therefore, the actual definition of your cosmic reality phase state
is being systematically and irrevocably altered in proportion to the length of
your visit to this website.
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 The Ugly Pteranodon
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Two-Minute Warning 
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This much-needed boost to our economy is long overdue. It does the only thing that can really help a capitalistic economy, and that is to put the money in the hands of the consumers. We all know that one dollar in a consumer’s hands can do much more than ten dollars in the governments’ hands. Not only do we not have the awesome operational overhead that swallows up much of what we have to spend, but also we can use better judgment, since our spending decisions are not bogged-down by the bureaucratic process. (I know, I know! “In theory”-yada yada ya... But that is another long-winded discussion and my point today is along another line of thought. So please bear with me.) So, it seems all is well and done. But wait! That may be true of all fifty states and some dependencies and territories, except for one, single, solitary exception: Yep, you guessed it! Once again it’s Puerto Rico! If it were not for the political tug-of-war that perpetually mires Puerto Rico into absolute immobility, (on absolutely everything), we too would have nothing to do but sit back and wait for the check to arrive, (sometime in May or June), just like the rest of our fellow citizens of the Union. But no. Puerto Rico has requested that it be treated differently. A special delegation, including the governor himself, (I wonder what he was wearing?), was rushed off to Washington in the very last minute to beg the Congress to please, Please, PRETTY PLEASE, WITH A CHERRY ON TOP! Don’t send the checks directly to the Puerto Rican people as they had planned to do, (naturally), but to give the money to the local government instead, who would then print out and send the checks to the people themselves, (of course, “expeditiously!”) 
Well, ok. I suppose, but the Congress of the United States is not composed of lobotomized fools and idiots as is our own legislature here on the island. Although they agreed in principle that the moneys for Puerto Rico be distributed by the Puerto Rican Government, they have placed a very cool condition upon said agreement: The Puerto Rican Government must first present them with a detailed procedure that outlines EXACTLY how the moneys will be processed, including time-frames, to guarantee that the people of Puerto Rico will not be unfairly delayed in receiving this much needed economic stimulus. Now, anyone who knows what the real relationship between Puerto Rico and the United States is knows that our economies are so intertwined that any economic stimulation package would have its intended result undermined if Puerto Rico is not included. Not only are we a part of the United States’ consumer base, we are a very important part of it indeed! Any economist would be hard-pressed to find just three other four-million-strong fanatically-consumeristic populations anywhere else in the country. Which means that by receiving this money from the United States Government and spending it as we see fit, (which is, after all, exactly what the United States Government hopes that we will do with it), we will be doing our part as citizens of this great nation to help it get back on its feet in this time of crisis.
All along they have voiced a most fearsome and violent rejection of the United States and all things “United-Statish.” They want all the military bases on the island closed down and the lands returned to the people of Puerto Rico, (Yeah, I’m not going there either...), they want all ties to the United States severed so that “the people of Puerto Rico” can be free to chose who and how they do business with at their own, (ahem), “pleasure.” Furthermore, they never spare a moment to decry how Puerto Rico's every single woe is due to our economic "dependence" on the United States, that our pride is being systematically squashed by the continuous handouts in dollars that we would not need had we the freedom to seek associations with other countries as we saw fit. Well then! If the independentistas are truly sincere in their sentiments, and not just camera-whoring like their latest icon, (Yeah, I’m talking about that “kayak” idiot!), then they are also against helping the United States to recover from their, (as they see it), self-inflicted disease of decadence; the inevitable outcome of rampant Capitalism. (Actually they are right about that, only that the cause is not Capitalism, but “consumerism”, which is indeed a diseased aberration, but that is not where I’m going with this either...) If we were to take their long-standing arguments as sincere, then they would be viscerally repelled at the prospect of getting yet another "demeaning" handout from the United States Government, especially one that, (to their way of thinking), amounts to nothing more than a public-relations bribe. In other words, all TRUE independentistas would want to have absolutely nothing to do with helping the United States to recover from its own “decadence”, or be further insulted with yet another "token" handout and hence would not accept the Economic Stimulus check that they will soon receive. It's really easy, guys. Just three simple steps:
If you are an independentista—a true, honest and sincere independentista—then that is what you will do. If you do so, then your opinion continues to be valid, within reason, and I will listen and evaluate, before I accept or reject it. Otherwise, you are a hypocrite. Accept it and shut-up! After this summer, when I am among you, that is how I will know who is a hypocrite and who is an independentista. First tell me if you sent back the check or if you spent it. Then I will know what I am speaking to and can defer to you appropriately.
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